totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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