I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
where are my eyebrows?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
