So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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