Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
