i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
