I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
