I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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