Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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