I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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