I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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