Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize