ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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