I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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