Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
