i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
