u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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