someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
