When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
