i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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