I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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