I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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