why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
