I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
