I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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