Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
