I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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