sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
