I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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