too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
