I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I came so hard my ears popped.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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