I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
