Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize