i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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