I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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