I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
