as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My penis needs a shock collar
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
