Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
