When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We are two peas in an std pod
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Randomize
