wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
