totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
