Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
