I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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