Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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