and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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