Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
