if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
