New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
there is glitter all over my balls
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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