I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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