Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
