Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
