i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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