Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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