They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
