is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
