What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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