hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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