wanna go halves on a baby?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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